Be like a seed...

I have had some complications with my largest incision and that means I have to go back in for a cleaning and closure surgery.  While I have found peace with this, it has been a rough couple of days.  I was so ready to be on to the next phase of recovery (there are 4) that it became very overwhelming to me when I was told we were basically starting half of this over.  When the incision first began to open I would cry every time I changed the dressing.  It was gross (still is).  When it started to spread open I was so frustrated and continued to be overwhelmed.  What could I have done differently?  What did I do to make this happen?  Lucky for me I have the best support team that reminded me that I had done everything that had been asked of me and that there was nothing I could have done differently!  After I met with the dr, and we made the plan to go back to the OR, I knew we had the right plan and that no matter the pain and frustration, this was what was meant to happen.  

I came across this quote and have read it probably 50 times in the last week.  The more I read it the more I think I understand it.  I have always been a person that is grateful for feedback for growth purposes (often I am sure I annoy people when I ask for feedback).  I also like to think that I am a person that does not like to shy away from things even when they are hard.  But this was a new way to look it!  I have never felt more like a seed then I do now.  Literally coming undone.  My shell has cracked.

I have never felt more broken (physically or emotionally).  I have so much I can not do and so much I am still trying to understand.  I have spent the last almost 4 weeks trying to be a clear open vessel for what the Lord needs me to grow into.  I have had days that feel like complete emotional destruction.  Knowing the Lord has carried me makes me realize this is about change and understanding and growth.  

My mom asked me this morning if I ever wonder "why me"?  I have not ever even thought it...but as I thought about it this ALL day what I realized is I do think that.  Why did you choose me to bless?  Why did you choose me to share this immense love?  Why did you choose me to want to grow?  Why do you love me this much?  I can not even imagine what a different person I would be if I had not been chosen to experience this process.  I am so grateful for the things I have learned and the things I hope are still ahead.  So for now, I am grateful I was chosen and grateful for His grace and tender mercy of love.

- E

Next surgery is Wednesday (10/21) should be short and sweet and home that day!