As I climbed into bed for the last time before surgery, I thought to myself...I am ready to be vulnerable. I have had 3 babies via c-section so I know how to accept help, it's hard for me, but I can do it, no big deal. Now fast forward 6 nights and 7 days with me...what I thought was a simple act has turned into the most epic learning journey I have had, to date!
Vulnerable means, susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm...however I decided I would define it for my purposes as, needing to ask for the following things...
1 - Someone to help me get dressed
2 - Someone to help me get food
3 - Someone to drive me to my appts
4 - Someone to help me wash my face
5 - Someone to help me to the restroom
6 - Someone to help feed me (in the hospital)
Those were the things that I predetermined would make me vulnerable..when I would "allow" someone to help me do them. As planned, day 1 and 2, my list was coming in handy, and I was so successfully vulnerable. I was almost proud of myself. You may choose now to laugh directly at me if you wish, as this was clearly not the end of my journey, to be honest it was not even the beginning.
Once we were home, I needed a little more help and there were lots more "standing around watching" moments. "I can't even get my baby dressed" I remember thinking one morning, so in frustration I decided to try. It ended, with me crying and a not even half dressed baby Noah...the question came from the other adults in the house, "Why would you do that"..."I am not sure, I am sorry, I won't do it again for a few day, until we decide I am able". I felt discourage and stupid, I knew I should not have tried, and I did anyway. It was after this experience that I realized, I was not the only one being vulnerable, but I was asking those that love me the most to be vulnerable as well. The next morning, when I told my mother I would wait for her to help me get dressed, I promised her I would not do it on my own. She paused and looked at me, almost saying with her eyes, "I am trusting you to keep your promise, and if you don't, you will have hurt my and the trust we have." It was in that moment that this "vulnerable" thing "I" was doing, went deeper and encompassed more "participants". This was so eye opening to me, and while it may have been that the muscle relaxer and the pain meds had kicked it, it made me reflect on the times when I said, "I will wait" and then tried to do it myself...that is why my mother paused. I had given her reason to. In those moments we were not being vulnerable.
As the day progressed we were headed to the dr office for my post ops...I had so little fluid coming from my drains, they were certainly going to pull them today! I was some kind of medical marvel. Normal people have drains in for almost 2 weeks, but I had done it in less then 7. I kept thinking about how getting dressed and even just getting in the car, were going to get so much easier. It was the best car ride to the dr anyone could ask for...I had made it through the "hard vulnerable stuff" (for real, laugh, it's just comical). When we arrived at the dr office, I hoped up on the table (figuratively of course) and patiently awaited the RNs arrival and what was going to be pure amazement at my healing ability. So, in walked cute Allison and as we started talking about the drains, she started looking at the wounds...and said, "I am going to take the dressing off, lets see what we got." A few moments later she said she needed to get the dr and that we would not only NOT be pulling drains today, that we might have a skin survival issue. I will state now, that through all of this, skin issues were my greatest fear. So here I was, ready to be given the gold star, and my whole plan was crumbling around me. So after the dr, the PA and 2 more RN's visited, I sat on the table and just cried. I cried for fear, I cried for pain and I cried because it all became the unknown again. I said a little prayer, and with a deep breath I took as we walked out of the room the Spirit whispered to me, "this is where you start learning about being vulnerable, this is where your trust journey begins".
How had I missed that??????? How had I forgotten that????? How had I lost sight of the true blessing this WHOLE process is?? I found the following quote and I loved it so much I had to share...
How beautiful is that? He EXPECTS us, to pray, not panic, not jump ship and be believing and trust in him...for when we do, when we CHOOSE to be the eternal, 3 dimensional level of vulnerable and not give up, he will hold us and say "I told you it would be okay"...what greater promise is there?? What greater blessing is there??
As I was doing some research about being vulnerable (for work actually) I came across this quote and remembered it tonight. One of the things we have to do, because of the skin survival issues, is put a heavy paste on day and night. It requires soft hands, patience and honestly a strong stomach. So tonight, doing our first round of this treatment, my sweet husband with soft hands, wiped off the old cream and applied the new. I stood in our bathroom with my husband kneeling in front of my broken chest and cried. How was this man going to look at me again, maybe I should have my mom do this, maybe I could just do it, were all things that were running through my sad, scared mind. This sweet man, grabbed my hand, and as my mother did earlier in the drs office, softly said "It is all going to be okay, we will get through this"...how was I blessed with these amazing people?? How could this loving and compassionate man really think I was beautiful...I mean dressed sitting in a chair, fine...but like this?? Another step in my journey of being vulnerable...this step may be one I have to keep taking...and you know what, that is okay!! Honesty is the prettiest!!
And finally, the last and what I think, most powerful of the "pick me ups" I came across. "I wonder what I look like in your eyes". There is application across my journey...of whose eyes are being used. My husbands, my mothers, my children's, my drs, The Lords?? I want to be the kind of person, that through others eyes...can be trusted to be vulnerable, who can be strong enough to be vulnerable and who can have the faith and patience needed to be truly vulnerable. Because as Bob Marley said "Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heard to feel true pleasure"
So, here is to true pleasure and the learning journey I am on...if you stayed with me, good job! Thanks for following my journey and for all of your kind words and support...it means more to me than you know!!
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