When I was in high school we sang a James Taylor song called "That Lonesome Road" and to be honest I did not really ever understand it. I loved the tune, but the lyrics were lost on me...
"Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself,
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder.
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon is
shining high above the trees."
This song came to my mind when I was in the hospital this last week. Due to some unforeseen circumstances I had to be at the hospital for 2 nights and 2 days on my own. There were so many things that were hard about this.
1 - I had never, up to this point had to spend more then 20 minutes alone in the hospital (ever)
2 - As we learned during my mastectomy journey asking for help is not something I do well, and even when I learned to ask, it was of those that loved me the most in the world.
3 - There were some really hard things coming up during the days I would be on my own.
So, as I sat there the first night, I started to sing, "Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself, Don't turn your head back over your shoulder"...and all I could think was "buck up, you have to do it on your own"
The next morning I said a little prayer that I would not have to do it on my own, but alas, PT showed up wanting to get me out of bed. I needed to get out of bed and to the chair. Now, I have done this 4 times now, you would think it would be easy, but this time was different. This time I could not rely on my arms, I had to rely only on my legs and butt mussels to remove myself from the half laying position I was in. PT was not very compassionate, nor did they care that I had "done this before". They were right, this time I had many more precautions and could more quickly hurt myself. So they walked me through the process of what I needed to do and then said okay, when you are ready. So, with tears in my heart I started the process.
- skootch
- skootch
- breath
- skootch
- skootch
Still no where near where I needed to be. So they helped me skootch to the edge of the bed and at this point I was in full "ugly cry". Nothing was being held back. All the while being angry inside that I was ALONE!! "How could I be left to do the hardest part of this ALONE!" "How is this so hard?"
To fast forward, I finally got to the chair after lots of tears and "you are almost there" encouragement from PT. Then when they had me settled in the chair, they left. And there I was again, alone!
I let the anger stew, and just kept crying.
I had to get back in bed later that day, and let me be clear, it did not go a whole lot better then the first time!
During my time in the chair I had to ask the nurses and techs to do things I had never asked them to do...this is what my "person" in the hospital is for, I should not ask them, kept running through my head!
So the sweet, kind, gentle, patient nurses helped with:
- finding my chapstick in my overnight bag
- finding my brush in my overnight bag
- then brushing my hair and putting it in a ponytail
- finding my face wash
- finding my face lotion
- endlessly adjusting the temp in my room
And they did so with smiles on their faces!
So, the next morning I had to "ambulate" down the hall! This time, no tears, no thoughts of being alone, but anger. Anger that I was again, doing this hard thing alone. I ended up walking 5 times that day.
My mom came to visit for a few hours, it was great to have her up to visit and have someone to talk to. Bob was able to come up that night and spend the night with me. It was so nice to have him with me. The next morning I was discharged and we headed home to my babies!!
I spent most of the day resting, as just traveling home was exhausting!
I had the opportunity to shower that evening (which was a big deal for me) as I still have 4 drains in (YES THERE ARE 4 OF THEM). Now when I say shower...I mean I sit in the shower on a shower chair and Bob showers me! In fact, today, I told Addison I was taking a shower and she turned to look at me and said "Mom, you need someone to help you do that you know"...even my kids get it :)
During this shower, I began to cry...you will never know the love someone has for you until you need them to shower you, and they do so with a smile on their face!
Like a bolt of lightning to my emotions and mind..."YOU WERE NEVER ALONE". I thought, wait, I was "ALONE"...and then the tears came again!
I was never alone...
I was never "doing it on my own"...
I was never "left"...
How had I been so selfish and unaware
The Lord was with me ever hard step I had to take, and he sent me strangers to help me and love me along the way.
I am not good at asking for help from people that love me the most in the world, and I was given an opportunity to learn that I was capable of asking for help from those around me, strangers! Strangers that were sent to me to help me through those hardest steps.
I was being taken great care of by great people and had more notes of thoughts and prayers of support it was embarrassing that I felt alone!
As for those that love me most, there is no other place they wanted to be, and they were dealing with their own frustration about not being able to be with me. How could I have not seen that?
So, just when I thought, this will be hard but I can do hard things, I have done hard things before, I as always get a nice little helping of, not so fast!! This was and continues to be the hardest thing I have done to date! On top of the physical and personal learning journey, watching my recovery impact my babies is heart breaking.
Logan can't look at the drains, and anytime I try to walk without my walker, he says, "mom I think you need your walker". He teaches me love and responsibility daily!
Addison is naturally curious about the drains and what I am not "allowed" to do. She is aware of the "owies" but keeps reminding me of the normal things she wants to do (pedicure is on the top of her list)
Noah is just sad. I can't even have him on my lap now and won't be able to pick him up for several more weeks. The first night I was home, he sat at my feet and just cried "mama". I cried with him and kept kissing his head.
So to James Taylor's song, there is no Lonesome Road at least not for me!
I am so grateful for the joy that I am given everyday by supportive texts and thoughtful notes, reminders that I am never alone! I am also beyond words grateful for my mom who has been here for whatever we have needed, me, Bob, the kids! She is my Noah carrier right now and I love watching him look at her with his sweet loving face! To my main man, there are no words that can encompass my love for him. Right before this we celebrated our 8th anniversary, and I am so grateful for the 8 years we have had and can not imagine being more loved through this process!!
To my Lord and Savior, for his everlasting gift of the atonement. The gift I have been able to use more then once in my life (I fear I have lost count). His abounding love and his ability to heal not only my human flesh, but my human heart!
If you made it to the end with me, good for you :)
I go back in for my follow up next Tuesday and will hopefully get my drains out!!! Everything looks amazing (I mean I look like I got beat up) but for what it is, it looks great!!
-E
