Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Reality, vanity and coping

I have tried to start this post for a week.  From an update perspective, I had a "clean up" surgery last Monday.  This was a surgery we knew was going to need to happen.  The goal was that this would be the last one for this part of the body.  Its about a 50% chance I will have to go in again.  Waking up the day after surgery and seeing a swollen beat up body...well for me inspired crying.  No matter how I try, I don't see myself.  I see this thing that has been beat up and altered and is broken.  

I found this quote and could not help but think, what environment am I putting myself in to "fix" me.  I have been spending so much time trying to fix me.  I realize now I need to adjust the "environment"...what for my is my inner voice.  

Some days this seems like the hardest thing I have done and then some days I remember, we have lived through loosing a house due to job loss and rebuilding our life together.  This realization made me find some perspective on my body...it took us almost 7 full years to fully recover financially from the job loss in 2008.  We were so blessed to have made it through that with a stronger marriage then I could have ever imagined I would have.  So, if we apply that to this...I need to give myself some time.  So, in 7 years I will have a different body, but a stronger, healthier and happier body and soul!  What a blessing I have been handed!
I have some of the best people I could ever imagine!!  This is what Lacy and my sweet littles made for me to come home to.  I am a blessed mama!!

This quote continues to make me tear up.  He takes us as we are...weather we have scars, sins, sadness, no matter how broken we are...He takes us as we are and makes u more than we ever imagined!  What more could we ask for?

Some of my scars are big...like almost 2 feet long.  They are not "pretty" and sometimes I feel embarrassed by them.  Sometimes I think they are ugly.  Sometimes I wish I did not have them.  But then sometimes I look at the little faces I created and I am so grateful I have them.  So grateful I have these reminders that I am willing to do anything asked of me.  That I am willing to do hard things.

So, today was hard.  Tomorrow might be harder.  But I am determined to not give up.  I know I will have hard days.  I know I will have good days.  But I am grateful for everything the Lord has blessed me with and for all I have yet to learn on this journey.  SO here is to some reality and coping!

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