Be like a seed...

I have had some complications with my largest incision and that means I have to go back in for a cleaning and closure surgery.  While I have found peace with this, it has been a rough couple of days.  I was so ready to be on to the next phase of recovery (there are 4) that it became very overwhelming to me when I was told we were basically starting half of this over.  When the incision first began to open I would cry every time I changed the dressing.  It was gross (still is).  When it started to spread open I was so frustrated and continued to be overwhelmed.  What could I have done differently?  What did I do to make this happen?  Lucky for me I have the best support team that reminded me that I had done everything that had been asked of me and that there was nothing I could have done differently!  After I met with the dr, and we made the plan to go back to the OR, I knew we had the right plan and that no matter the pain and frustration, this was what was meant to happen.  

I came across this quote and have read it probably 50 times in the last week.  The more I read it the more I think I understand it.  I have always been a person that is grateful for feedback for growth purposes (often I am sure I annoy people when I ask for feedback).  I also like to think that I am a person that does not like to shy away from things even when they are hard.  But this was a new way to look it!  I have never felt more like a seed then I do now.  Literally coming undone.  My shell has cracked.

I have never felt more broken (physically or emotionally).  I have so much I can not do and so much I am still trying to understand.  I have spent the last almost 4 weeks trying to be a clear open vessel for what the Lord needs me to grow into.  I have had days that feel like complete emotional destruction.  Knowing the Lord has carried me makes me realize this is about change and understanding and growth.  

My mom asked me this morning if I ever wonder "why me"?  I have not ever even thought it...but as I thought about it this ALL day what I realized is I do think that.  Why did you choose me to bless?  Why did you choose me to share this immense love?  Why did you choose me to want to grow?  Why do you love me this much?  I can not even imagine what a different person I would be if I had not been chosen to experience this process.  I am so grateful for the things I have learned and the things I hope are still ahead.  So for now, I am grateful I was chosen and grateful for His grace and tender mercy of love.

- E

Next surgery is Wednesday (10/21) should be short and sweet and home that day!

We have only to ask!

2 weeks ago we had the opportunity to hear from LDS church leaders.  One of my favorite talks was from Dallin H. Oaks find talk here.  I found this quote so powerful.  "We have only to ask".  What a simple and powerful statement.  I think we so often forget that the Lord is positioned to provide us the support we need to continue to go on, we must just ask.  What a great reminder from a servant of the Lord.

The interesting part of this processes is that I feel like I have learned so much and still have so much to learn.  It is the hardest, most painful and beautiful think I have ever gone through.

There has been so much I have not been able to do.  I knew going into this that it would be hard, but the number of things that I still can not do is so large.  I am so grateful for my mom and Bob here helping with everything.  Not being able to pick up my babies is probably the hardest one and it will be at least 6 more weeks before I can pick Noah up!  I found this quote so insightful...so instead of focusing on what I can not do, I am trying to focus on what I can...what are the "things that matter most".  I have been trying to find ways to spend time with my babies and not think about what I can't do.  They have had so much fun outside these days...going on walks or just in our backyard.  I have been able to find new and inventive ways to spend time with them outside and watching them is my joy!  The purest and greatest joy!

Watching these little people reminds me that every single bit of this process is for them.  They are the reason I am going through this and the reason I know that everything is going to be okay!!

-E